Sharp Disagreements

Open your bibles to Acts 15. It’s good to be back home. Most of you are aware that I am working part time for Derrick Jeror. We got back Thursday from a lengthy trip to Orlando, Florida where we attended a large church planting conference and I was able to introduce Derrick to some of the Sovereign Grace churches down there. I think it was a very good trip for Derrick from a business perspective.

Being back in Orlando for over a week brought back a flood of memories. There were two memories in particular that kept coming back to me. The first was how for so many years I had desired to be a pastor and the irony, that now here I was driving around as a pastor.

The other memory that I couldn’t escape was of the process we went through in deciding to move to NY. You have to understand that in Florida, people move down not up. Our friends were genuinely concerned for us and our well being (and there were many practical aspects of the move that warranted concern). Even though we were convinced of what the Lord wanted us to do, our friends still pleaded with us to reconsider. They thought we were wrong and their concern (motivated out of love-clarify) was often expressed with passion. But even after considering those concerns we knew that the Lord was calling us up. (conflict of opinion)

I’m grateful that after making our decision to move, we’re still friends and just as close with those who had concerns but that whole process made me realize that there are times when we will disagree; about things that are not right or wrong; about things that are subjective; we will disagree about things that are non-essential. And when we do its important how we walk through it.

Some of you might fear conflict. I wouldn’t say that it’s good or desirable, but it is normal and to be expected. God made us all different-with different likes, preferences and priorities. He put us each in different homes and environments which influences our style, methods, and world view. We value and desire different things for different reasons and we come to different conclusions about the same circumstances. We’re not robots who do all things the same way.

Conflict is to be expected because humans are involved. As we’re going to see, the Apostle Paul dealt with difficult conflict with close friends. If Paul dealt with conflict, it’s safe to say that we can expect to as well. Let’s read our passage: Acts 15-36-41.

“And after some days Paul said to Barnabas, “Let us return and visit the brothers in every city where we proclaimed the word of the Lord, and see how they are.” [37] Now Barnabas wanted to take with them John called Mark. [38] But Paul thought best not to take with them one who had withdrawn from them in Pamphylia and had not gone with them to the work. [39] And there arose a sharp disagreement, so that they separated from each other. Barnabas took Mark with him and sailed away to Cyprus, [40] but Paul chose Silas and departed, having been commended by the brothers to the grace of the Lord. [41] And he went through Syria and Cilicia, strengthening the churches.”

We’re going to look at this conflict between Paul and Barnabas and then we’re going to look at the topic of conflict in our own lives. What’s going on here is a familiar scene, one we are probably all acquainted with. There’s a task to be accomplished and a decision to be made and two different opinions on how to do it.

Paul wanted to go back to the cities that he and Barnabas had preached in to see how the disciples in those cities were doing. Barnabas wanted to take Mark with them. Mark had gone with Paul and Barnabas on the first journey, but returned to Jerusalem early (Acts 13:13). Barnabas still wanted to take Mark on the journey with them again.

Paul didn’t think so because Mark had left them. Verse 39 tells us that the dispute became a sharp disagreement. Mark left before any of the cities had persecuted them. Mark wasn’t there when the Jews in Antioch of Pisidia chased them through the cities of Asia Minor persecuting them.

Mark wasn’t in Lystra where Paul was stoned, dragged out of the city, and left for dead. If Mark bailed on them before the going got hard, what will happen this time when the persecutions begin!

So who’s right? They’re both right, neither are wrong. Both of the opinions of Paul and Barnabas are valid. And the solution is one that we might not feel good about: they separate and go in different directions. Barnabas takes Mark and they go to Cyprus and Paul takes Silas and they go through Syria and Cilicia.

Last week in Allen’s message, he spoke about a conflict that was worth fighting for. It was a hill worth dying on because it meant the preservation or the deterioration of the gospel. But this conflict (and most conflicts) is not “a hill worth dying on”. They’re over non-essential issues. For Paul, visiting the churches in order to strengthen them was a non-negotiable, but who to take wasn’t. And so in the providence of God not 1 but 2 teams were sent out and more was accomplished in that time.

How do we deal with conflict in a way that pleases God? I wish there was one specific formula that would handle every situation but because we and our circumstances are different there is no such formula. But scripture does give us commands and principles that are to guide us as we encounter conflict with others. Since our default is to sin and be lead by our pride let’s first look at what not to do.

What Not To Do

Judge others.

The first rule of pride is to always see ourselves as right and judge everyone using us as the standard. So if you agree with me, you’re right. If you disagree with me, you’re wrong. This then leads to judging motives: because I’m always right, I not only know that you’re wrong, I also know the sinful, malicious, vengeful, hateful motives behind you disagreeing with me. As soon as we judge others, it sets the stage for the rest of the conflict and God will not be honored until we repent of our pride and arrogance. We are not God. [Personal illustration] Scripture-

Gossip and Slander.

Sin leads to sin and pride loves to be known. So when you’re in a conflict and the other person won’t acknowledge that you’re right, our pride wants to find someone who will. And so we can be tempted to take what we know [that we’re right and all the reasons why, that the other person is wrong and all the reasons why and that we know why they’re against us] and present it to others in a way that makes our case. This is sinful and divisive. 

Demand our way.

Some people won’t take no for answer. These people try to manipulate people or situations in order to get their own way. And if they don’t they respond by lashing out with anger and violence or threats; or with a cold shoulder, trying to punish those who disagree with them; or by doing their own thing (I’m taking my toys and playing somewhere else); or just ignoring authority altogether.

Judging others can lead some to demand their own way and if they don’t get it, gathering forces through gossip and slander and mount an attack against the opposition. 

Complain.

Some of us don’t have the energy to demand our way (or maybe we’re just lazy about our sin). Instead, we complain. If we can’t have it our way we’re going to make everyone else share in our misery. These are the people that you just want to say, “Get over it!” because it’s obvious that they haven’t. We need to remember that even though complaining seems small in comparison to gossip and slander and divisiveness that the Israelites wondered in the desert for 40 years until they were all dead because of complaining. It is serious to God.

All of these responses come from pride and the desire elevate ourselves; our ideas, qualifications, gifts, and solutions (ultimately us). When pride is ruling, we’ve taken an issue and elevated ourselves above it. It becomes personal because it’s not just a decision that needs to be made; it’s my decision that needs to be accepted. At this point I’m not finding my identity Christ, I need you to validate me-and this one idea, this one decision is going to make or break it all. It’s ridiculous, and yet it’s real. We must acknowledge that pride is real and active in our lives-and we must be actively killing it or it will destroy us and our relationships and ultimately, if left alone on a large scale will destroy a church and has many times. This is not an exhaustive list but hit’s some of the big enemies.

What To Do

Try to work it out.

We’re not always right! The opposite of pride is humility and when we put off pride and put on humility we will be able to have objective conversations about subjective issues that we disagree on and still honor God. Paul and Barnabas didn’t have a 10 minute fight and then get mad and walk away. The Greek indicates that this was a lengthy, ongoing conversation that eventually ended in a sharp dispute. We need to respect others opinions, gifting and desires and genuinely try to hear others with the goal of resolving our conflict-not being right. We must attempt to find godly solutions to our problems.

Let it go and move on.

We’re not going to see eye to eye with everyone, just like Paul and Barnabas. Sometimes this will mean simply stepping back and laying down our opinion and accepting another’s. Realize that you could easily be wrong and someone else could be right; or you could be right but their solution could work just as well as yours.

Now, like Paul and Barnabas, occasionally this could also mean physically moving on. Paul, led by the spirit, was going to care for the infant churches formed during his first trip and didn’t want anything to jeopardize the mission-so they separated (they agreed to disagree). But in Colossians 4 Paul speaks favorably of Mark and later in 2 Timothy 4 Paul asks for Mark to be sent to him in prison because he is useful to him for ministry. Paul didn’t burn and bridges and these relationships remained intact.

15 years ago when I first had the desire to be a pastor, it was not the right time-I was not ready. In 2001 when I finally sat down and shared my heart with my pastor-that I wanted to be a pastor-he graciously shared that he didn’t see a full time calling for me at that time. A pastoral heart-yes, pillars in the church-yes, but not a pastor-yet. So when we moved to Corning, being a pastor wasn’t even on my mind. I wanted to find a career and serve in the church.

Paul’s refusal to take Mark wasn’t primarily a personal issue; it was a mission issue. And later He was now useful to Paul in his mission. This doesn’t mean he didn’t love and respect Mark. It didn’t mean that there weren’t other ways that Mark was useful in ministry; it just meant that for this task, he was not ready. But how encouraging to see that Mark had progressed and grown in maturity and gifting-that later he was useful in Paul’s ministry. He also went on to partner with Peter and write the Gospel of Mark. Not too shabby. We need to be able to let it go and move on and trust God with the outcome.

Be willing to be wronged.

In 1 Corinthians 6 Paul is addressing that church about their conflicts and disputes that have elevated to the point of them bringing lawsuits against one another. And in verse 7 he says, “Why not rather suffer wrong? Why not rather be defrauded?” Imagine members of our church, Christians who claim that Christ is their Lord and Savior, disputing and conflicting to the point of leaving the law of God and seeking the courts of the land because they have a better chance of getting what they want. Paul says NO! You have now elevated a non-essential issue to the point of jeopardizing he most essential issue, the gospel, because if you claim it and this is how you display it you have distorted it. We must be willing to be wronged and to experience loss.

Isn’t that what Jesus did, our Savior? Wasn’t it Jesus who was unjustly arrested, beaten, tortured, and killed. And do we think that we are above our master-no. Turn to 1 Peter 2:18-25. Read.

Unite around matters of 1st importance.

We may disagree on a number of non-essential issues but we have 1 predominant issue-Jesus Christ and Him crucified. The proclamation and demonstration of the gospel is the matter of 1st importance; it is the hill worth dying on. In our conflicts and disagreements we must remember that we are objects of mercy, that we are recipients of grace and that we belong to another.

Regardless of all the differences between us that lead to conflict in our relationships we still stand together on common ground in the most basic way: we are all sinners in need of a Savior. James 4 tells us that the reason there are fights an quarrels among us is because or our desires and passions that war within us-we want but we don’t get so we fight for it. We still need a savior.

Biblical conflict resolution requires us to lay down our lives; our opinions, preferences and solutions. Non-essential conflicts are…non-essential. More often than not when we conflict, we’re fighting more for our pride instead of what’s best for the common good.

We need the power of God and the help of the Holy Spirit. And as we humble ourselves we will receive grace which teaches us to say no to ungodliness and help in our time of need.

What do I do with this?

• If you are aware of an unresolved conflict from the past I would encourage you to humble yourself, go back to that person(s) and ask forgiveness where appropriate. Then Repent. And finally, seek to resolve your differences again in a way that honors God. (Ask for help if you need it).

• If you’re currently in a dispute or conflict evaluate and do the same as above.

• If conflict is just a way of life for you-Repent.

• If none of these apply to you, prepare, because eventually conflict is coming.

o Pursue humility

o Expect conflict

o Renew your mind in the word (Col. 3:12-17)

o Pray

o Utilize your relationships-get help