To Spear or to Spare: Dealing with an Abusive Leader Part One

Highlights from 1 SamuelAllen Snapp

Grace Community Church

June 18, 2023

To Spear or to Spare: Dealing with an Abusive Leader Part One

Let’s turn in our bibles to 1 Sam. 24. We’re going to be looking at chapters 24 and 26 because in both these chapters God gives David a golden opportunity to kill Saul and we’re going to see how David responds to that opportunity.

The title of the message is To Spear or to Spare: Dealing with an Abusive Leader Part One. I didn’t want to split the message up but I realized it was too much ground to cover in one message, so if this subject matter hits home with you you’ll want to hear next week’s message as well.

The text deals with an abusive leader but I think many of the principles and issues we’ll be talking about extend to any abusive relationship. If you are a survivor of an abusive relationship – either an abusive church leader, an abusive church, or an abusive spouse, parent or other relationship, and you’re struggling with the wounds and emotional impact that abuse has left on you, God cares about you and wants to help you get to a place of healing. We care about you and want to help you get to a place of healing. You’re not alone, please consider seeking wise and biblical counseling. You can email Ken Jensen at counseling@gracecorning.org to find out about setting up a counseling appointment.

Let’s pray.

Saul was a spear-chucker. The Bible says an evil spirit tormented him and he became jealous of David’s success and popularity and saw David as a threat to his reign and more than once Saul hurled his spear at David to kill him. He even hurled his spear at his son Jonathan when Jonathan didn’t line up with Saul’s agenda.

By God’s providence in chapters 24 and 26 God gives David the opportunity to kill Saul with the same spear Saul tried to kill David with. It happens this way in chapter 24: David and his men are hiding in a cave and as Saul’s army passes by, Saul goes into the cave to relieve himself. Talk about being caught in a vulnerable position! David’s men are overjoyed!

The men said, “This is the day the Lord spoke of when he said to you, ‘I will give your enemy into your hands for you to deal with as you wish.’” 1 Sam. 24:4

This is God giving your enemy into your hands! Take that spear, run Saul through with it, and you will be king and we can finally stop running.

Then David arose and stealthily cut off a corner of Saul's robe. ⁵ And afterward David's heart struck him, because he had cut off a corner of Saul's robe. ⁶ He said to his men, “The Lord forbid that I should do this thing to my lord, the Lord's anointed, to put out my hand against him, seeing he is the Lord's anointed.”1Sam 24:4-6

David refuses to kill Saul and forbids his men from killing him. He cuts off a corner of Saul’s robe to

prove to Saul how easily he could have killed him and to prove David has no intention of killing or hurting Saul.

In chapter 26, David and his men find out where Saul is camping.

⁷ So David and Abishai went to the army by night, and there was Saul, lying asleep inside the camp with his spear stuck in the ground near his head. Abner and the soldiers were lying around him.

The spear is right there by Saul’s head. Once again God has given David a golden opportunity to kill Saul, or let Abishai do it for him. That’s how Abishai saw it:

⁸ Abishai said to David, “Today God has delivered your enemy into your hands. Now let me pin him to the ground with one thrust of the spear; I won’t strike him twice.”⁹ But David said to Abishai, “Do not destroy him, for who can put out his hand against the Lord's anointed and be guiltless?”1 Sam 26:8-9 

What’s going on here? Why does God keep giving David golden opportunities to kill Saul and why does David keep refusing to? David saw that God was giving him an opportunity not to kill Saul, but to show Saul he meant him no harm. David would not take the kingdom from Saul by force.

That spear, leaning on the cave wall; that spear stuck in the ground by Saul’s head, was the spear Saul hurled at David. David would not use that spear to kill Saul because David was resolved not to become another Saul. Another spear-chucker.

Just because God gives us an opportunity to do something doesn’t mean it’s God’s will for us to do it. David didn’t direct his life by opportunities and open doors. He directed his life by God’s will – what did God want him to do? And he knew God didn’t want him to kill Saul, didn’t want him to become another Saul.

If we chuck spears at spear-chuckers, if we hate and hurt abusers, we will become like them. We will take on their spirit and it won’t stop with them – we will become what we hate in them and it will spread to other relationships. God has a better way and I believe that David teaches us some healthy, wise steps to take when dealing with an abusive leader. We’ll unpack those steps more next week, but first I think it’s important to consider what are some signs of an abusive leader.

1. Signs of an abusive leader

First, a word of caution is appropriate. We are all sinners and at some point we’ve all hurled spears of angry words, unfair criticism, impatient ultimatums, and other hurtful words. Those are wrong and when that happens we need to repent both to God and the other person and ask for their forgiveness. Christian leaders and pastors are people too and make mistakes and do dumb things but that doesn’t necessarily make them abusive. We need to be careful that we don’t label someone as abusive just because we had an unpleasant interaction with them or because they sinned against us.

God uses our differences, our arguments, our tensions, and even our sinful actions and words against each other to teach us to love. To help us grow more Christ-like in patience and forgiving. To accuse someone of abuse when they aren’t abusers is a form of abuse against them. So let’s be careful not to see abuse in every challenging relationship.

Here are a few signs adapted from Thom Rainer’s list:

1. An abusive leader manipulates to promote agenda
2. Dodges, deflects, or rejects criticism
3. Consistently minimizes or rationalizes their negative behavior
4. Intimidates people with their biblical and persuasive arguments
5. Twists scripture to support his or her claims
6. Turns criticism back on the person confronting them, shutting down their concerns
7. Shields himself from critics and marginalizes them
8. Insists on his/her agenda despite the concerns of others
9. Justifies their agenda by saying that God “told them”

We see many of these traits in Saul: outbursts of anger, unreasoning accusations, blame-shifting, jealousy, extreme mood swings, threats, isolating…

If you’ve encountered an abusive leader you probably recognize some or all of these attributes. Maybe you are the person they marginalized, shut down, turned your concerns back on you, manipulated, and gas-lighted.

In his book, When a Narcissist Comes to Church, Chuck Degroat writes this: “Perhaps the most frightening thing about narcissism’s bite is that it often comes without leaving a physical wound. The trauma inflicted can look like humiliation, hypercriticism, silence, exclusion… jealousy, extreme mood swings… guilt, shame, control of finances… blame shifting, isolating one from friends and family, threats, boundary violations, and much more.”

Here are a couple characteristics of an abusive leader displayed in King Saul:

1. They are a confusing mixture of good and bad

King Saul was a great king:

• Chosen by God and anointed by Samuel
• The Spirit of God came upon him and he prophesied
• He united a fractured nation, built an army, defeated many of Israel’s enemies,and expanded their national boundaries
• He was powerful, courageous, and charismatic

He was also an abusive king:

• He could be rash, controlling and given to outbursts of rage
• He hurt others in order to pursue his selfish agenda (think of his vow that no one was allowed to eat until he got the victory that he wanted in the timing he wanted)
• He was ready to kill anyone he perceived to be a threat to his authority
• He killed hundreds of innocent people out of paranoia and retribution

When someone believes he/she is being led by an abusive leader, one of the things that can be very confusing is that they see good qualities in and impressive ministry from that leader and they think, God’s hand is obviously on them. How could that be if they were abusive? I must be wrong.

This sets up an inner confusion and even condemnation. Something must be wrong with me. My sense of reality must be warped. Gas-lighting is just that: it causes us to question our handle on what’s reality and what’s not.

Often different people will have different experiences with the same leader. Most people might find them gracious, kind, compassionate, wonderful. But when someone confronts them with a concern, they turn on them with surprising hostility. That brings us to a second characteristic of an abusive leader:

2. They throw spears at people
   

Spears of guilt, manipulation, condemnation, hypercriticism, gas-lighting, self-pity, and other spears to “pin” us to their wall and get us to submit to their agenda. An abusive leader thinks it’s all about him or her. Saul felt threatened that someone would take his power away from him – it wasn’t about what God wanted, it was about what Saul wanted.

Leaders who claim to be Christian and are abusive are even more destructive because they often use God as a justification for their abuse. God is on their side, you are “touching God’s anointed” and He will punish you.

A couple once told me that their pastor told them if they leave his church, God will kill them. That’s extreme, but the more subtle version is, if you don’t do what I’m saying (and God is saying through me), you’ll be in disobedience to God and His protective care and blessing will be lifted from your life. That leaves a person confused and frightened.

Abusive leaders often isolate people who humbly disagree or question them. Abusive church leaders shun people who they see as a threat to their agenda. Church members will often go along with it either because they assume the person did something wrong, or they’re afraid they’ll be shunned if they reach out to the person. People are often left dead on the road with no one to care for them.

Alisa Childers tells of the time someone she worked with in the church suddenly just disappeared. She started to write a text to that person and then stopped. What if the church leaders found out? Fear. Then she realized how crazy that was and sent the text. This person appreciated it and they talked on the phone and met for lunch.

People leave churches for many reasons. We’ve had a number of people leave Grace Community Church over the years for a number of reasons. One thing you’ll never hear us say is “don’t reach out to them or ask them why.” If you see someone missing and you wonder why, call them. I’m grateful to say that virtually everyone who has left the church who was a friend I still consider a friend and have sweet fellowship with them when we’re together. I miss them and wish they were still here, but I would never, ever shun them or ask you to. The one biblical exception is true and severe divisive person. But we need to be careful – someone asking questions or having concerns – even if they don’t handle those questions or concerns perfectly – are not necessarily divisive and we don’t want to be quick to label them such.

Saul became a spear-chucking, murderous, manipulative, cruelly abusive leader.

What does David do? Some people point out that David said we are not to put our hand out against God’s anointed and stop there. Don’t confront the abusive leader or criticize them because that would be to “touch God’s anointed.” All that does is enable an abusive leader to avoid being confronted with their sin and allow them to damage more lives.

Others see the spear and think, “this is God’s green light to take matters into my hands and hit them back, hit them where it hurts.”

There’s a third option and we’re going to talk about that next week. But for this morning, if you have experienced abusive leadership or an abusive relationship, know that Jesus is your Advocate. He loves you and will walk through the emotional valleys with you. Don’t let their baggage become your baggage. Don’t let their spear-chucking make you think something must be wrong with you or that you somehow deserved it.

David was able to walk through this hard season with grace and confidence because he knew his God was with him, and you can too. If the wounds are still open and raw, if

you’re not able to shake the trauma and voices within, seek wise counsel and good friends who won’t feed bitterness but will free you from guilt and condemnation through biblical and loving encouragement. Let’s pray.