To Spear or to Spare: Dealing with an Abusive Leader Part Two

Highlights from 1 Samuel

Allen Snapp

Grace Community Church

June 25, 2023

To Spear or to Spare: Dealing with an Abusive Leader Part Two

Turn with me to 1 Sam. 24. We will have the scripture references up on the screen too. This is the second of a two-part message on dealing with an abusive leader.

We see in Saul characteristics of an abusive leader. He was given to outbursts of rage when he didn’t get his way. He was jealous of those who shined brighter than him. He had extreme and unpredictable mood swings. In chapter 9 verse 6 Saul swears an oath to his son Jonathan that he will not put David to death. But David then has a stunning victory against the Philistines and Saul is so filled with jealousy that in verse 10 he’s chucking his spear at David to pin him to the wall. Saul was paranoid and severely punished anyone he suspected of disloyalty.

What is abuse? To abuse is to hurt, to exploit, to control, to intimidate, to crush and to put into bondage. Physical abuse achieves those things through the threat or act of physical harm. Mental/ emotional abuse uses guilt, blame-shifting, manipulation, alternately bestowing or withdrawing affection and other emotional and mental techniques. Spiritual abuse is to use spiritual means to harm, exploit, crush and put into bondage people God wants to liberate.

At some point in our lives, many of us – if not all of us – will be exposed either directly or indirectly to an abusive leader or relationship and the question of this message is, how are we to deal biblically and wisely with an abusive leader (or abusive person)?

I am no expert on this subject, and the passages we’re looking at aren’t all the Bible says about this subject, but as David deals with Saul, he gives us some wise and healthy principles to follow. I want to point out six principles drawn from chapters 24 and 26.

2. Dealing with an abusive leader

1. Don’t throw their spears back at them

As we saw last week, twice David had the opportunity to take the spear Saul hurled at him and hurl it back. Twice he refused. David refused to become another Saul.

We may want to pick up the same spear and run the abusive person through with it. We may want to gossip about them, slander them, hurt them as much as possible. And we might get the opportunity to do it, but is that what God wants us to do? David’s men interpreted the opportunities God gave David as providential green light to kill the man trying to kill him. David saw it as God giving him an opportunity to prove he was made of different stuff than Saul.

Abusive people/leaders hurl spears such as anger, hypercriticism, guilt, gaslighting and blame shifting in order to get their way. God doesn’t want us to pick up their spears of gossip, slander, hatred, bitterness, malice, or manipulation to throw back at them. God has a better way, just like He did with David.

Don’t throw their spears back at them but…

2. Do treat them with love
   

OK, please don’t check out on me here. I’ll get to steps to protect yourself (and others) from ongoing abuse in a minute. Loving them doesn’t mean enabling them to continue their abuse. But God calls us to treat even abusers with love.

David loves Saul. When Saul and Jonathan die in battle, David writes a song of lament remembering the good qualities Saul had and none of the bad qualities.

Saul and Jonathan— in life they were loved and admired, and in death they were not parted. They were swifter than eagles,they were stronger than lions. ²⁴ “Daughters of Israel, weep for Saul, who clothed you in scarlet and finery, who adorned your garments with ornaments of gold. ²⁵ “How the mighty have fallen in battle! 2 Sam. 1:23-25

Jesus said we are to love and pray for our enemies. That takes the love of God being poured into our hearts by Holy Spirit, but that is what God wants to do in us! And it protects us from becoming angry, bitter, hate-filled vessels. We can’t fill our hearts with hate and expect love to come out. Christ wants to shine his love through us.

3. Do put space between you and the abusive leader
   

1 Sam. 19:18 says, when David had fled and made his escape…

20:1 says, Then David fled from Naioth at Ramah…

21:10 says, That day David fled from Saul…

I could go on, but the scriptures emphasize again and again that David didn’t sit around and let himself become a target for Saul’s spears. He ran, he fled, he escaped. He came back once or twice to ascertain if it was a one-off thing or a pattern but once he realized that Saul was an abusive leader he put space between them. He ran for his life!

I wrestled whether to put this point before or after the next point which is to speak truth respectfully and firmly. So this could be the 3^rd or the 4^th step after speaking the truth depending on the situation, but if it’s an unsafe relationship or environment then I think David’s example is a wise one to follow: he put a safe space between him and Saul before he attempted to speak truth to him. Putting a safe space between you and an abusive leader or person may not mean avoiding them, but it might mean taking a second person with you into a meeting with them in order to be a witness and moral support for you in that meeting. Or it may be leaving the church, organization, or relationship. God can give you wisdom, and counseling can help you too, but if it’s an unsafe environment I think it wise to follow David’s example and get safe.

Let me say two things real briefly. There may be circumstances where you can’t get safe. Peter addresses servants in 1 Peter 2 who may have cruel masters and they can’t get free, so he calls them to a transcendent path of following Christ’s example and suffering for doing good and entrusting our souls to the One who is faithful.

Secondly, we do live in an emotionally fragile and self-centered culture where some people interpret abuse as anything that hurts my feelings or keeps me from getting my way or being happy. As I said last week, we need to be very careful not to label a person as abusive just because there are challenges – even serious challenges – in the relationship. To label someone as abusive when they are not is in itself being abusive.

4. Do speak the truth respectfully but firmly

When Saul was in the cave relieving himself and David could have killed him, afterward David confronted him with truth.

⁸ Afterward David also arose and went out of the cave, and called after Saul, …“Why do you listen to the words of men who say, ‘Behold, David seeks your harm’? ¹⁰ Behold, this day your eyes have seen how the Lord gave you today into my hand in the cave. And some told me to kill you, but I spared you… [that] you may know and see that there is no wrong or treason in my hands. I have not sinned against you, though you hunt my life to take it. ¹² May the Lord judge between me and you, may the Lord avenge me against you, but my hand shall not be against you. ¹³ As the proverb of the ancients says, ‘Out of the wicked comes wickedness.’ But my hand shall not be against you. 1 Sam 24:8-13

David confronts the lies Saul is listening to with objective truth. He calls upon God to be the witness between the two of them and calls upon the Lord to avenge David against Saul (calling upon God to take action against Saul) and then he says out of wickedness comes wickedness. He’s saying, evil begets more evil, so while you may do evil to get what you want, I won’t do the evil of lifting my hand up against you.

We’ll look at Saul’s response in the next point, but in chapter 26 after having the opportunity to kill Saul with his own spear once again, David speaks truth respectfully but firmly to Saul.

¹⁷ Saul recognized David's voice and said, “Is this your voice, my son David?” And David said, “It is my voice, my lord, O king.” ¹⁸ And he said, “Why does my lord pursue after his servant? For what have I done? What evil is on my hands? ¹⁹ Now therefore let my lord the king hear the words of his servant. If it is the Lord who has stirred you up against me, may he accept an offering, but if it is men, may they be cursed before the Lord, for they have driven me out this day that I should have no share in the heritage of the Lord, saying, ‘Go, serve other gods.” 1 Sam 26:17-19

Apparently Saul is not only listening to the lies in his own mind, but some opportunists are also filling Saul’s mind with lies. David curses them before the Lord for their evil lies. He speaks truth respectfully but firmly.

Some people have no access to speak. Maybe they’re attending a large church and aren’t in leadership, don’t have many relational ties, and really have no access. Point #3 might be the end of the road for

them, but if you have a bridge of access, point # 4 might be a step God is calling us to.

What I have seen in many cases is that abusive leaders will exploit the good intentions of their organization or congregation by urging them not to participate in gossip or criticism. “Touch not the anointed” they say. “Confronting the leader may hurt the reputation of the church and hurt the gospel”. Actually, hiding the truth and covering abuse is what hurts the church and the gospel. When a congregation and the leaders in a church ignore or excuse an abusive leader, they are enabling that abuse to continue by their silence. Truth needs to be spoken with love and respect but also with courage and clarity.

Abusive leaders – like Saul – don’t like to be confronted by the truth. They either feel threatened and attacked even when it’s brought to them, or they feign contrition (as we’ll see Saul does in the next point). Abuse flourishes in darkness and silence. I’ve heard of churches that have openly supported the abuser in a church and marginalized and isolated the victim. That is wrong.

Gaslighting is a term that means the abuser makes you question whether any of what you are seeing is real. They twist things in such a way that you doubt your perception of reality. David speaks objective truth into Saul’s twisted sense of reality and if we have the opportunity, so should we.

My first point is that we shouldn’t hurl spears of gossip, hatred, and slander at abusers, but we should prayerfully seek to pierce their heart with the truth respectfully and firmly spoken.

5. Don’t trust the words until you see it backed up with action
   

And Saul lifted up his voice and wept. ¹⁷ He said to David, “You are more righteous than I, for you have repaid me good, whereas I have repaid you evil. ¹⁸ And you have declared this day how you have dealt well with me, in that you did not kill me when the Lord put me into your hands. ¹⁹ For if a man finds his enemy, will he let him go away safe? So may the Lord reward you with good for what you have done to me this day. ²⁰ And now, behold, I know that you shall surely be king, and that the kingdom of Israel shall be established in your hand. ²¹ Swear to me therefore by the Lord that you will not cut off my offspring after me, and that you will not destroy my name out of my father's house.” ²² And David swore this to Saul. Then Saul went home, but David and his men went up to the stronghold. 1 Sam 24:16-22

Sounds like everything’s good, right? All has been made right. Saul’s weeping, contrite, sees that what he has done is evil and that David is a better man than he, acknowledges that it’s God’s will for David to be king, and asks David to remember his offspring with kindness. And I’m pretty sure that at the time Saul meant every word. But two chapters later he’s searching for David to kill him again. David was wise enough not to fall for Saul’s emotional confession. He’s still running, still keeping a safe distance.

Some abusive people lash out at anyone who confronts their abusive behavior. Others do what Chuck DeGroat calls fauxnerabilty. They act contrite. They confess some of their sin to look humble and

We want to believe the best, but when a sin pattern is deeply embedded, it takes God’s transforming work – usually over a period of time – to change someone’s heart. God can do it, and we should pray

for it, but look for action to back up the words before totally believing it.

I sat in a family’s living room as the husband screamed in rage at his wife. It wasn’t the first time, it wouldn’t be the last. Then she took the kids and left him. It was an overnight transformation! He was humbled, contrite, he could see all the ways he had hurt her and vowed it would never happen again. After a month she went back to him. And not long after that, he went back to his old ways.

Abusive people will sometimes change their behavior and words when the heat gets too hot for them. But if their hearts aren’t changed within, and if they don’t actively take steps to cultivate that change, like Saul they revert back very quickly.

I believe in believing the best, but with highly destructive patterns, we can’t trust the words until we see a pattern (over a long period of time) that indicates a changed heart.

6. Do trust God to right the wrong and avenge the evil

¹² May the Lord judge between me and you, may the Lord avenge me against you, but my hand shall not be against you…¹⁵ May the Lord therefore be judge and give sentence between me and you, and see to it and plead my cause and deliver me from your hand.” 1 Sam. 24:12,15

David had a strong confidence in his God, and he trusted God to judge between them. That’s why he didn’t feel the need to thrust the spear through Saul. He’d let God do it.

Peter calls us when we suffer unjustly to imitate Christ who:

²³ When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly.